I can't help myself, she is fascinating.
She spewed out that profanity five times in a row within eight feet of me. She used that word in context. Then, she looked me right in the eyes and smiled.
My mind wondered:
Did she know it was wrong?
And, if she did know, was she really that hungry for attention, even negative attention?
Or, was she like I used to be as a child, trying to be "big", walking around in my sin without really knowing it was so bad?
"Arise, cry out in the night,
At the beginning of the watches.
Pour out your heart like water
before the face of the Lord.
Lift your hands toward Him
For the life of your young children,
Who faint from hunger at the head of every street."
Lamentations 2:19
He is challenging me to parakupto search, look deeply, into her.
He is asking me to not just notice, but to really see.
I have to cry out, at night and at the very break of dawn. It may seem a little drama-queen like, but I have to puncture my heart and let it's contents flow fresh and open before His throne.
What does she need? I find myself weary in her constant brokenness.
When will I see results from all my redirecting?
Will I try and try in vain?
More times than I care to admit, I find myself so angry I don't even know how to muster up the strength to choose to be nice to her broken, little frame. She travels from one bad choice to the next. She craves negative attention.
Two days of retrospect. He lands me right in the middle of 2 Samuel 16.
There is that crazy man, hurling cuss words straight at King David. And he is chasing David, and all his mighty men right down the dirt road. They are all running from David's son Absalom, who had recently usurped the throne.
I can read between the lines. I'm sure they are stressed. I imagine it is not that easy to be in hiding, running from your own son who is trying to kill you. A shouting Benjamite, with nothing but filth spewing from his mouth, doesn't make reality any easier.
"And David said to Abishai and all his servants,
'See how my son who came from my own body seeks my life. How much more now may this Benjamite? Let him alone, and let him curse; for the LORD has ordered him. It may be that the LORD will look on my affliction, and that the LORD will repay me with good for his cursing this day.'"
2 Samuel 16:11-12
He is always in control.
My LORD always holds the reigns.
Although I find it difficult that He would place that ugly word inside her mouth (I'd much rather blame the sin factor!), I so believe He is blessing me with insight - good insight.
She is broken and needs protection. That protecting is my job. She will hear words and be told they are naughty, but her curiousity will sometimes get the best of her.
She is bold. She is brazen. She curiously used that word, five times in a row, and she discovered the consequence.
I'd like to share with you I seized the opportunity to grab her, bond with her, gently teach her with love. Instead, I reacted with anger and hurt.
Which left her probably feeling a little bit dirtier inside. A little bit more hungry for some sort of attention.
In her failing, she is learning.
In my failing, I am learning.
She is no people-pleaser on the surface. But when she really knows she's pleased me, she glows. And all her glowing shines right through this weary Momma, warming my soul.
He is calling me to arise, cry out to Him, pour out the contents of my heart like water before His face. Lift up my hands towards Him. Cry out for the life of my young child.
And I do, I raise my humble hands high. My child has been starved, physically and emotionally. If patient waiting is what He requires of this Momma, I pray He will continue to forgive, and continue to give me the strength to endure.
She is my starving child.
She is worth it.
"Let us search out and examine our ways,
And turn back to the LORD;
Let us lift our hearts and hands
To God in heaven."
Lamentations 3:40-41
