I sat on the bedroom floor tonight, trying to dry my hair when the heating element in the hair dryer stopped working.
My twin girls, with elevated excitement, asked me where I was going. It is rare to see Momma getting ready in the evening.
I didn't have an answer.
Well, I didn't have an answer I wanted to give.
I have a serious condition; a do-ahead syndrome. I'm a serial do-ahead-er. I like my world to run smoothly, remain in my control. So, I do-ahead almost anything to make the next day easier.
And today, I was caught by a surprise visit. Caught un-showered, clad in workout clothes, mid-afternoon. And although I had accomplished a full day's work of teaching, a couple loads of laundry, knocked down a few small tasks off the list - I allowed the enemy to whisper in my ear and felt the shame of feeling not enough, not put together, not worthy.
And in my distress of feeling unworthy, I rushed through a precious grace kiss of a beautiful sister delivering goodies, and friendship.
So, I vainly, anticipating the scurry of a Wednesday morning, and in my faithful do-ahead style, attempted to get myself somewhat ready this night before, in hopes that tomorrow I will not be caught off guard; caught in another chaotic, not put together moment.
Classic do-ahead-ing. Classic me.
And this dead hair dryer, and my wet hair, are reminding me that a do-ahead-er really doesn't have control.
He keeps reminding me that living an intentional "parakupto" lifestyle, truly bending down and looking intently into their lives, means I have to surrender control. I can do-ahead and do-ahead, and do-ahead some more. But, there is always some task to do beyond the current, and my do-ahead-ing just keeps me tumbling forward. And the tumbling gives way to spinning, and the spinning spins me right out of control, twirling so fast I can't even see them or myself through the dizzy...
...until He puts His hand down to stop me. Like, killing a blow dryer to grasp my attention right back to Him.
I can do-ahead every detail in desperate attempt to give them the very best, but am I willing to just stop do-ahead-ing and give them my best moments? Even if in those moments I feel not together, not enough, not worthy?
Because really, un-showered, dressed in workout clothes, by midafternoon, I had listened to a big sister read an entire book by herself, learned from a big brother how my body takes in more nitrogen than it releases out, watched a twin sister confidently ace her math questions, and observed the other twin sister successfully play house using only pattern blocks. All grace kisses to my heart, given in love from the One who beckons me to relax, breath in deep each moment, surrender control to Him.
And sitting here with damp hair, I know He is inviting me to scoot closer into His presence, regardless of my appearance. I don't want to hurry through the important. I don't want to miss, or rush a single grace kiss again.
