I ran this morning, listening to Plumb's voice...,
"Maybe we can heal each other
Maybe this won't hurt forever
I don't wanna push you away
I don't wanna hold you at arm's length
I don't wanna push you away
It's just a knee jerk reaction"
...and He reminded me of my hidden pain.
I don't want to hold her at arm's length. I want to draw her in close and squeeze tight. I want to squeeze so tight that all her past trauma and inflated pain will deflate.
I would take that limp balloon, patch up all the rips and tears, and blow it back up. I would cradle that balloon, replacing the unfair and undeserved with "you are wanted", "I hoped for you", "you are chosen", "you are loved."
I am really not satisfied with only grasping this balloon's string.
But, it's not just about what I want.
She and I, we are good at pushing each other away. She came with severe trust impairment. I anticipated her with high hopes of a familial bond. And as we grow together, her insecurity surfaces in the form of words and actions that bruise and hit my heart. My mind knows all those words and spiteful behaviors aren't really directed towards me. But, my heart feels those blows and hurts - and jerks away.
I run faster and hear His prompt:
"Do you trust Me? Are you willing to surrender and watch Me patch up and repair? I AM the only One who can truly fill her. Will you take her hits, remember and draw near to the love I share with you, let Me fill you, and keep on holding on to that strand?"
"Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 (ESV Bible)
And Plumb sings out,
"Don't run away, don't run away
Come back to me
Don't run away, don't run away
Come back
Don't run away, don't run away
Come back to me
My love is here, my love is here
At arm's length"
Yes, Jesus, I will trust You. I will hold onto her, squeezing her tight or at arm's length - however You direct. I will keep chasing her, beckoning her to come back. I will believe You placed us together to withstand, and I know I will watch in awe as You repair and turn rips and tears into scars of beauty and remembrance. We will shout Your glory together someday.
"But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:13
At Arm's Length, from Plumb's Need You Now album (2013)
