I stood in the bathroom today and silent screamed. I really screamed, threw my arms and fists around and shook my head. I glanced at my immature self in the mirror and screamed some more.
Yes, it's been that sort of day.
I rose early this morn, sat long at the farm table, hoping to work through a little of all this trapped in emotion. I scrawled it fast across the page, "please Lord, please be more for them today, especially when I have nothing to give worthy of You." Because, honestly, I always have something to give. I always have disdain, a hurting heart to share. I can lash out in my shame of my own parenting failures - failing to speak kindness, failing to open up my arms in hurtful moments, failing to maintain my cool when accident after accident (or not really accident) incidents keep crashing into my schedule.
How long will I allow myself to be held captive by all this drama?
I am reading Jeremiah, and I am really somewhat amazed at God's people. How Jeremiah takes one hit after another from his peers, because no one, not one of them, can sense or hear His truth anymore. And God picks the one man who will listen, speak truth regardless of the outcome, and keep facing conflict day after day - year after year.
To have determination like Jeremiah.
And LORD God, who made the earth, the man and the beast that are on the ground, by His great power and by His outstretched arm (Jer. 27:5), in His infinite justice cannot look upon sin, and must force the ones He still calls the dearly beloved of His soul into captivity (Jer. 12:7).
I just want to scream out loud to His beloved, "Look! You are His beloved! Listen to Him! Stop chasing the wind! Look at your brother Jeremiah and listen for your own sake!"
But, they don't, and are led away under King Nebuchadnezzer into captivity.
I understand captivity. My enemy's goal is to keep me here.
I have been screaming at my beloveds, trying with all my strength to get them to see how much I love them, how I am willing to guide them, if they will just stop chasing after foolishness and listen.
And He whispers it quietly in my ear this morn:
"...After seventy years are completed at Babylon, I will visit you and perform My good word toward you, and cause you to return to this place. For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the LORD, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive."
Jeremiah 29:10-14
He never hides from me. He always brings me back. There is purpose, even in my captivity, because in His sovereignty He brought me to this exact place.
He knew I wouldn't be enough. He knew I would fail. He knew the enemy would taunt me and try to break me down. He knew my heart had to fall completely in shattered pieces so He could rebuild a new heart willing to yield, a heart so in love with my Rescuer, it would surrender everything.
This is all so much, and there are words to process. Words to repeat over and over to myself - my stubborn, captive self. He calls me to freedom. Freedom is found in His Word and His mighty, outstretched arms.
When my heart is hard chasing freedom, I will call upon Him, and go to pray to Him, and He will listen to me (Jer. 29:12).
I scrawl it next fast, "You are changing me. I find giving grace so difficult. Please work in me and give me a heart that is so in love, so willing to keep fighting for love. Please listen to me, even when I am in chains."
And I know He did, when not even a sound uttered from these lips, and I acted the fool in front of the bathroom mirror this afternoon. And maybe He chuckled a bit at the sight of me flailing, but I know He listened.
I silent screamed with my whole heart.
