Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Letting Go of the Ball

Somedays I look around and wonder just what I am doing?  How did this chaos really become my "normal"?

I am on a time crunch.  If I'm honest, almost all the time.  I have been trained to be a scheduler - this is how to keep the ball rolling smoothly, or roughly. 

No matter how the ball rolls, it must keep moving.

I've dreamed of the stop.  I've nightmared of the stop.  Moments in my days remind me the stop is inevitable.  My mind always jerks right back, telling my body, "not today".  And I travel right back to the schedule, right back to routine.

But where is the joy?

I've taken a risk, over the past few months of my life.  I've dared to escape the schedule.  I've slept a little later each morning and allowed the television back into my home to run a few extra miles each day.  I've mixed up the rigid routine of my three sensory-seekers, tipped our world to that slippery edge.  I've cut back a little on our therapies, trusting Him to enrich our family time.  I've actually dusted off my paintbrushes, written a few words, and stopped to listen to the lyrics.  I have blasted the music and danced.

Granted, we have endured one-too-many sensory meltdowns, myself included.  But, I am learning a few valuable lessons:

At the end of each day, we are still family, regardless of whether we like each other or not.  We choose to love family.


We are all created different.  This difference is not just genetic.  He made us each unique, with unique needs.  It is my job to seek this uniqueness and give them wings to fly.  They will never be little me's (Praise the Lord!).
 

Changing the routine is hard, hard work.  It is much easier to give in each day to the schedule and coast through our days.  But, when we coast, we stunt our growth, and miss out on special grace kisses He kisses just for us, on the other side of our beaten path. 
 

We all need respite, including the fab four.  God created us for community and we have to emerge from our cocoon.  If we remain nestled safely in our shelter, no one is blessed by the beautiful wings He created for us to spread.  Not only the world needs to witness this beauty.  We each need to open our eyes and truly see the person in the mirror He created us to be. 
 

We don't have to redefine "normal".  We just get to accept that we are not it.  This doesn't make us unacceptable.  This doesn't mean He loves us less.  This means He created us in particular, for a variant, beautiful purpose.  Embracing and celebrating this actuality is part of our beauty.  
 

 The ball hasn't stopped yet.  I know the day will come.  We'll all fall apart a little, but I know He'll pick up the pieces and put us all back together again. 

I'm choosing to live the joy through all the crazy.  I just have to keep reaching my hand high to the sky, pointing right to my Savior, let go of the ball, and trust Him. 

So, so hard loosening this grip, but He is so worthy.