Some realities are starting to suffocate, and I recognize my humanness, my deep ugly, my shame in not understanding, my slow surrender to exhaustion.
I don't really want to talk anymore.
I don't really want to get up every morning to the same anymore.
How do I stay faithful to this hard, painful promise I made to Him?
So, here's the truth. I am no hero. I am just a momma, fiercely in love with five traumatized, broken children. Four children who have suffered life-altering trauma, and one who didn't choose himself to travel along this road with his warrior daddy and I. And, I know he's a lot fed up.
I feel like a broken record. My hope shines out of me, while others stand by with watching eyes and witness my reality crash hard with my shine. I can see the "I told you so's" in their eyes. The enemy taunts me and stomps my hope to pieces on the ground.
It flutters around in my head.
My truth is, this. is. hard.
I don't really want to get up every morning to the same anymore.
How do I stay faithful to this hard, painful promise I made to Him?
So, here's the truth. I am no hero. I am just a momma, fiercely in love with five traumatized, broken children. Four children who have suffered life-altering trauma, and one who didn't choose himself to travel along this road with his warrior daddy and I. And, I know he's a lot fed up.
I feel like a broken record. My hope shines out of me, while others stand by with watching eyes and witness my reality crash hard with my shine. I can see the "I told you so's" in their eyes. The enemy taunts me and stomps my hope to pieces on the ground.
"The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD preserves all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.
My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD,
and let all flesh praise his holy name forever and ever."
Psalm 145:18-21
It flutters around in my head.
My truth is, this. is. hard.
Adoption doesn't fix kids. I can rescue a little one from her environmental trauma, but I can't erase the emotional trauma that drives her every reaction.
"You are not an orphan anymore. My job is to teach you you are no longer abandoned."
I scrawled it upon a small bit of trash weeks ago, folded it and reread it every single morning as an encouraging cheer to motivate me to get out of bed.
My head knows He is near. I am calling upon Him in truth. I fear Him. I know He hears me. I believe He will save me. I believe He will save my children. I stand firm in the knowledge that He will preserve me, I love Him. He will destroy the wicked.
But, they still act like orphans and they still believe they will be abandoned.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not my job to teach them they are no longer abandoned.
I have stood tall on the tips of these toes and tried so hard. I have cried and begged and fought and researched and changed my approach and, ..... well the list can go on and on. I have tried that hard.
Only God can teach them they are no longer abandoned.
And so, with tears streaming down my cheeks, my mouth will speak whispered praises (there is a little one asleep 3 feet away) to Him.
"You are not an orphan anymore. My job is to teach you you are no longer abandoned."
I scrawled it upon a small bit of trash weeks ago, folded it and reread it every single morning as an encouraging cheer to motivate me to get out of bed.
My head knows He is near. I am calling upon Him in truth. I fear Him. I know He hears me. I believe He will save me. I believe He will save my children. I stand firm in the knowledge that He will preserve me, I love Him. He will destroy the wicked.
But, they still act like orphans and they still believe they will be abandoned.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not my job to teach them they are no longer abandoned.
I have stood tall on the tips of these toes and tried so hard. I have cried and begged and fought and researched and changed my approach and, ..... well the list can go on and on. I have tried that hard.
Only God can teach them they are no longer abandoned.
And so, with tears streaming down my cheeks, my mouth will speak whispered praises (there is a little one asleep 3 feet away) to Him.
I will quiet shout, "thank You my dear, merciful Father". This job is way too difficult for me alone.
I surrender.
My job is to love them and show them Love and keep putting my faith on the line each day believing they will one day believe too they are truly home.
a side note.....
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/april/adoption-doesnt-fix-kids.html?paging=off#bmb=1
I just read this short article, and cried. Adoption is tough, isolating at times, and the hardest journey He has ever asked me to join Him in. I am starting to realize this journey is not about fixing my kids. He is changing me.
My job is to love them and show them Love and keep putting my faith on the line each day believing they will one day believe too they are truly home.
a side note.....
http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2015/april/adoption-doesnt-fix-kids.html?paging=off#bmb=1
I just read this short article, and cried. Adoption is tough, isolating at times, and the hardest journey He has ever asked me to join Him in. I am starting to realize this journey is not about fixing my kids. He is changing me.
