I know she saw You.
Your name.
Your presence.
You, celebrated boldly within these walls...
...because that is my primary focus during precious Advent. You...
I tried to make her feel welcome, with the water, the smiles, the thankfulness for her time....
...but she must have felt threatened.
She grilled me hard for at least 20 minutes with unquestionable questions, inappropriate and accusing; in a fine passive-aggressive manner.
And in the shock of those moments, I felt my enlarged heart swell with pain.
I have cried out to You these past two weeks, and You have comforted my hurt down. In retrospect You have revealed my choice clearly. I do not walk a gray line. My words that day marked the defined black line I wobble upon.
Every choice has a consequence.
And then the phone call yesterday. Just a few last details to complete her task. Just a few more questions to be asked. And my overly enlarged heart grew more as her questions rolled out. The pain almost unbearable in the lashing.
Her words stung as she questioned the choices I have for 14 years brought humbly before You. She belittled my existence, giving the enemy a target to pierce once again.
And I am on my knees praying the pain of my swollen heart is due to increased pooling of blood, and not the cold start of a hardened heart.
I open Your Word randomly to p. 876. I see stains on Your words this morning. Stains of splashed coffee. Stains of bleeding ink. A wrinkled, weakened page from tears that have spilled. Through blurred vision I read in the commentary:
"The first line makes a statement that the second line sharpens or heightens."
And Lord, I know it isn't Your inspired Word. Just a note from the commentator giving me direction in reading the book of Psalms more effectively. But this a.m., these words pop.
"A fuller appreciation of the eloquence of the Psalms can be gained by understanding the basics of Hebrew poetry...
....Although Hebrew poetry contains some rhythm, it primarily makes use of repetition and recapitulation. One line of a verse is followed by another that gives a variation of the same idea."
Parallelism.
Saying I believe is just the first part; the first statement I make. It does not keep me balanced on Your black line. The second part of my belief is demonstrated in how I live, how I trust, how I act, how I hope. All of this sharpens or heightens the point.
Please Lord, may my life point to You. Not just my words. Not just my face.
My whole life.
Even when my choices threaten my family.
She does not understand my choice, but Lord she is Yours too. I pray she witnesses synonymous, climactic, and emblematic parallelism within me. I pray Your light will lead her to Your glorious Word and she can read it for herself.
I know it is not my job to lead her to You, but I humbly thank You for the gift You have graced me with in leading these precious little ones. I do not comprehend Your plan in all this accusation and hurt. Please give me sensitivity. Maybe the sight of me-still standing firm, even with trembling knees, is part of Your precious plan for her.
"...Not only do the psalmists use this poetic technique, but the authors of proverbs use it as well. The second line of a proverb usually reinforces the meaning of the first line. This reinforcement of the thought is not mere tautology, but the graceful artistry of a poet...
...The first line makes a statement that the second line sharpens or heightens."
And Lord, thank You for the choice of the gray or black line. I pray my presence on Your black line is marked with graceful artistry.
You are holding my heart tight. Please keep it from hardening. Please catch all the bleeding drops and use them for Your glory.
I love You.
